Mother's Day

Advertising Mother’s Day starts early, adverts are everywhere. Restaurants, shops, garden centres – everyone is keen to package the experience for us.

I would never want to take away from those who have a brilliant relationship or loving memories, of course not. I celebrate that and know how blessed I was with my own Mum. But it is a complicated thing. What if you have lost your child? What if you have just been through your seventh cycle of IVF? What if you lost your Mum and missed her like mad every day? What if she never did a thing to stop your abuse? What if you never knew her? What if you never wanted children but were made to feel like a pariah? What if she can no longer recognise you? What if neither of you can accept the other as you truly are? That is an awful lot of question marks, and I could go on. I am sorry if anyone felt a jolt there and my heart goes out to you whatever your circumstance.

I remember a training day we had as students. We were in the middle of an exercise - something like “think of someone, alive or dead, who would really understand what you are going through right now”. Having recently lost my Mum, I picked her and in response, someone said, “Mums are great aren’t they”. An innocent reply, but for some in the group, a trigger to strong emotions and memories that were truly awful. We had great tutors and contracting in place, and that held us during the fallout. In the group process, we were able to say what we were thinking and feeling, and I am grateful for the bravery of the people who spoke out to let us know why an innocent remark was so painful to hear. Their willingness to speak raised all our awareness that day. I share this as an example of how things can be for us on any given day – let alone when we are being bombarded by schmaltz.

What is your experience of Mother’s Day? I have family and friends who are wonderful Mums and have children who (when not driving them do Lally) are their reason for being. These Mums would go to the ends of the Earth and back for their kids. In true Blue Peter fashion, I happen to be an amazing Aunty (ahem) and enjoy the benefits of loving my not-so-little people, without all the messy and expensive bits. Things could have been different for me, but they weren’t and that is part of what led me to counselling in the first place. My own lovely Mum died in March some years back, just before Mother’s Day. We knew we were losing her. Her anniversary is tolerable now and I know to expect that unexpected advert that will bring a lump to my throat. I pick one of a million moments with her to remember and can almost always find my way back.

I know that lots of us find Mother’s Day challenging in some way, if not downright painful. I am heartened when I read articles or posts that acknowledge that fact. This year I had my first email for Mother’s Day asking me if I wanted to opt out. It shows me an awareness and willingness to bring all of us to the table.

Support and self-care for grief - Mind

IVF - Support - NHS (www.nhs.uk)

How we can support you - Dementia UK