Just Start: A Reflection on Becoming a Student After Decades of Avoidance

In January 2026, I decided to do something I had spent twenty years swearing I would never do again: I returned to study.

While I consider myself a lifelong learner, for two decades formal study was not a neutral term. It triggered a trauma response in me. The thought of putting myself through the anxiety of assessments and the crushing weight of “not being enough” was something I avoided whenever studying was suggested.

Now, one month into a BSc in Social Psychology with the Open University, I want to reflect on how I finally silenced that fear and why others might consider doing the same.

To understand the fear, I had to look at where it began.

I do have post-school qualifications, including HNCs from 1997 and 2002, but I always felt I had only “scraped through”. My academic history was a cycle of procrastination, last-minute panic, and an uneasy acceptance of work I knew was mediocre at best.

Over time, I developed what I now recognise as academic imposter syndrome. I became convinced that my brain simply was not “cut out” for study.

The shift began in 2018.

A toxic manager repeatedly called me “stupid” for not being able to recall exact numbers and figures on the spot. Over time, I began to believe the lie, eventually taking a formal IQ test just to find the truth.

The results proved intelligence was not the issue, but I was still left wondering what was going on.

A brilliant counsellor eventually asked the right question:

“Have you ever been assessed for ADHD?”

It was something I had never even considered. Fortunately, I was in the right place at the right time and was able to secure an assessment fairly quickly.

Leaving the psychiatrist’s office with a diagnosis was the first time I felt truly seen. Understanding how my executive functions, particularly working memory and task initiation, worked differently changed everything.

I was not “stupid”; I was simply trying to run Microsoft software on an Apple operating system and the computer kept saying no.

That understanding sent me on a path of better self-care and gradually learning how to manage my own operating system to consistently get better results.

That said, the distance between diagnosis and feeling ready to return to study was not a straight line. Understanding how my brain worked, learning to work with it rather than against it, and rebuilding confidence took time.

It was only the first step in a much longer journey.

So what changed? Why now and why Social Psychology?

The past year has been challenging. Living in the middle of what often feels like a moral panic, navigating increasingly divisive political and media rhetoric, I found myself wanting to understand more deeply how individuals and societies respond to fear and uncertainty.

Why do some people cling to simple answers while others embrace nuance? How do social narratives spread? How do individuals and societies influence each other?

For me, this degree is not just about career development. It is about understanding the world more deeply and trying to make sense of a time that often feels increasingly divided.

Everyone has their own reasons for studying. For some it is career progression. For others it is change, curiosity, or a long-held personal goal.

But whatever the reason, the hardest step is usually the first one.

In a past life I often used the analogy of the world’s best golfers returning to the basics such as grip, posture, and alignment. Even experts return to fundamentals.

In the medieval guild system, a Bachelor was an apprentice, someone qualified but still learning.

Years ago in martial arts I once asked the Master what the best belt in the art was.

He replied simply: “White belt.”

Because a white belt means you are willing to begin again. None of us want to think the journey is behind us.

Over the past month I have had to relearn something simple but powerful: starting rarely feels comfortable.

We often tell ourselves we will begin when circumstances are better.

“I will start when the kids are older.”
“I will start when work is less busy.”
“I will start when life is calmer.”
“I will start when I have the deposit for a house.”

But these “X and Y” conditions are often fear doing what fear does best, sounding reasonable.

And when fear sounds reasonable, it becomes much harder to challenge.

The truth is that waiting for the perfect moment often means waiting forever.

I am not the same person I was in 1997. I have better tools, clearer purpose, and far more trust in myself.

This degree is a five-year commitment, but I have realised something important: the fear of staying where I am has finally become greater than the fear of starting something new.

So the question becomes a simple one.

What is your “X” or “Y”?

And where might you go if you acknowledged the fear - and started anyway?

By Hannah Carton
Head of Administration

Written March 2026

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